A man finally retires after a long, grueling working career. Taking a leisurely walk in a park under the blue sky on a Monday morning, he feels freedom, the most precious thing in human life. Then he realizes that he is not quite free yet. There is the big boss at home, the one who decides where to go for the first overseas trip after retirement his retirement, not hers.

Suddenly, he recalls the “three meals” joke. The honorable zero-meal Sir, the respected single-meal husband, the still tolerable two-meal man and the despicable three-meal bastard, titles wives are said to give their spouses according to the number of meals they have at home. He momentarily wonders whether to take a cold sandwich with hot coffee at the neighborhood bakery but rushes to his apartment as to not keep the wife waiting at the kitchen table. He is afraid of her.

Another old joke. Men are gathered in a hall during a company retreat. The invited MC tells them: Those who are afraid of their wives go to the left side, those who are not to the right. All move slowly to near the left wall. Just one little man stays on the right side of the hall. The MC shouts at him, “Oh, we are looking at the real man here. How come, sir, you are so brave enough not to be afraid of your wife?” He meekly replies: “My wife told me not to go to where there are many people.”

It is, of course, not 100 percent applicable, but men today are generally afraid, or scared, of their wives. Why is that? If you are another Chae Dong-wook or the recently spotlighted ex-speaker of the National Assembly, there is reason to be afraid before your lady. But why does a man like you, who has worked hard to feed your family, never cheated and is quite popular among your peers for your straightforward character, have to think three times before saying “no” to your wife?

You visit the parents of your wife as often as she asks you to and willingly attend parties given by your in-laws, but you seldom propose to her a visit to your own parents. You go and see them by yourself and not tell your wife that you had given them money. Most importantly, she is in control of your children, something that is related to the fact that she also holds all the purse strings.

Yes, the wife has the strongest say in the choice of the college, and the department, for which your child applies. She has mastered the know-how of finding the right school for your son and daughter because she has attended all the presentation sessions at Coex or at targeted universities and has frequently consulted with the high-school teacher in charge. She makes the first choice, your child accepts it and the husband approves it; he has the final say but decision has already been made.

In marriage, the process is a little different: Your son or daughter picks up the candidate and tells their mother first. She makes all “necessary” background checks with her vast social network of high-school and college alumni and relatives before giving her consent or rejection. There arise various dramatic situations as we see in TV soaps, and husbands play as insignificant roles in reality as in TV shows.

The wife is powerful and this is a universal phenomenon in the 21st century except, perhaps, in some Muslim, Hindu and Confucian bastions or in the northern hinterlands of Korea’s Gyeongsang region When they got married in the 1960 and ’70s, today’s older husbands could not have imagined that they would have such a powerful partner in the family. At that time, your fiancee had to quit her job in a big company forced by an unwritten rule. She could go back when she divorced or was widowed.

Not only was the mobile phone unknown in those days but was also the legal accusation of sexual harassment. Sexual jokes, lewd gestures and touching covered parts of a female coworker were tolerated, particularly on drinking occasions, and were soon forgotten. Societal changes over the past decades installed a female president in the Blue House. A young female mechanic regularly tunes up my car at the neighborhood garage. Female fighter pilots defend our air while hundreds of female prosecutors and judges are commissioned each year.

Truly, gender roles here have changed at a dizzying pace. Surprising statistical records that testify to the fast-growing assertiveness of Korea’s female population include: Korea has the highest rate of caesarian section in childbirth, the highest per capita consumption of foundation cosmetics, and one of the highest rates of higher education for women in the OECD. The world’s top divorce rate directly indicates transition from a male-dominant society to something opposite that makes men simply uncomfortable.

There are the horror stories of “twilight divorce” while the fear factors grew with the revision of the Civil Code a few years back to give more advantages to the wife in dividing common assets. The Japanese invented the gruesome expressions of “sodai gomi,” meaning useless furniture rubbish, and “nureochiba,” dead wet leaves that stick to the shoes, to denote a retired husband who is dependent on his wife.

Husbands are confused, uncomfortable and scared as they make bad adjustments to the quick feminization of society. They would like to know if their wives are aware that their men are afraid of them and if they are happy with that awareness. In an online debate on how the empowerment of women affects homes, a male commentator solemnly posed this question to wives: “Does it (the awareness of husbands being afraid) make you love him more?”

Korean husbands are not very good at expressing themselves, particularly at home before their wives. Their being afraid is just one side of the coin and the other side is their love of the family and the woman with whom they shared everything for so long; they just remain silent wishing, and believing, that wives would understand it all. They let wives run the show in the belief that it is the best way to keep their homes in peace. They are happy to concede, that’s all. 

By Kim Myong-sik

Kim Myong-sik is a former editorial writer for The Korea Herald. He has been married for 46 years. ― Ed.