A couple nights ago, I had dinner with a best-selling author who complained that people were constantly bad-mouthing him behind his back. He bemoaned the fact that these people never approached him in person so that he could have a chance to explain.

I had to agree. I always say, if you have something to say, say it to my face. I can take it.

This is probably why I have cultivated the strange habit of going directly up to someone if I have been talking behind this person’s back, not to apologize, but to actually speak out on the things I had been gossiping about. Another reason is guilt, of course.

But by now I have learned that the chances of such talks being fruitful are 50-50. Sometimes, the person accepts my criticism and tries to offer remedies. Other times, I realize my words have served no real purpose except further alienating them, or myself.

Still, I strongly believe that if I fail to tell them to their faces what I feel is wrong, nothing will get fixed or changed.

But of course, I also have moments when I feel that it is absolutely futile to offer any kind of criticism or suggestions, mainly because nothing would change. In such cases, because my frustration has reached fever pitch, I end up bad-mouthing them (usually to my good mother, who loves office gossip) and not bothering to tell them exactly what is fueling my exasperation.

With some criticism, it’s tricky to decide whether you should speak up or not. If a friend keeps wearing a tie that matches horribly with his suit, it might be a good idea to tell him since it would not be too taxing on his ego, and also he may actually benefit from the tip. But if he appears to be dating someone who you believe is completely wrong for him, it would not be as easy to tell him so even if you have only his best interests in mind.

Also, what if the person who I am just dying to tell off and criticize has no idea about my true feelings toward them? How can you tell them to their face that you actually hold them in the lowest possible regard due to certain traits and habits that have been driving you crazy for years.

You can’t.

Having said all this, I have now come to believe there is a certain art to criticism.

The essence of that art is remind yourself that unless you are out to simply torment someone, criticism is best when served up with the goal of actually changing and correcting the situation or the person.

Here’s one example.

At lunch recently, a colleague was talking to me about the noise coming from the apartment right above hers, and we discussed what would be the best approach.

The most tempting way would be to march right up there and give them a piece of your mind, asking how they expect you to get any sleep over the racket.

Yes, this would definitely be flinging the criticism in someone’s face and how good it would feel to tell them off. But would that change the situation? Maybe so, but given human nature, the chances are that the reprimand would make them feel far from cooperative. And the last thing you want is a sulky upstairs neighbor.

So we decided that the best approach would be to buy them a play mat for the little boy. Make them feel guilty, enough to try to keep the noise to a minimum.

This was the kind of approach that made one particular Samsung executive take up golfing.

It was when he was a journalist, and the executive told me that several of his bosses had urged him to play. He didn’t exactly refuse, but he just waited until they stopped asking. Some would threaten, while others would try to reason with him. But it was impossible to shake him because he just didn’t want to.

One editor, however, finally got him to hit the greens. He said nothing, but went out and got the executive a pair of golf shoes. That did the trick, not because they were expensive, but it was the kind of silent criticism that makes one think and change.

I have a tendency to be very blunt and I often find myself telling off my younger colleagues about their work. My reasoning is that this method usually helps them improve, fast.

But when you look at the results of a subtler yet direct and honest kind of criticism, it makes you think about what exactly is the best way to address situations and people that make you unhappy. Unless you plan on never seeing that person again, it may not be a bad idea to exercise some finesse.

If that doesn’t work, you can always go back to throwing tantrums.

By Kim Ji-hyun

The writer is the business editor of The Korea Herald. She can be reached at jemmie@heraldcorp.com. ― Ed.