I believe women frequently outsmart men thanks to their so-called feminine intuition. For example, a woman instinctively knows when a man is interested in her no matter how hard he tries to hide his feelings. 

If you steal a glance at a pretty woman in the subway, she will immediately notice that you are checking her out. If you lie to your girlfriend, she will find out. Likewise, if you have an affair, your wife will know about it instantly no matter how hard you try to hide it from her. So give it up, my fellow men. You can never fool women.   

Unlike women, men are not sensitive enough to notice such minor details. Nor do we have the intuition that women are blessed with. Men seem to have only one instinct when it comes to courting or seducing women: Show off and strut around like a peacock.

Alas! Unlike peahens, most women find such blatant displays of flamboyance disgusting. But how would men know this?

Thus, men continue to perform their ridiculous, childish dance to draw women’s attention, but to no avail. Experts say that women instinctively know when they find the right man. Perhaps it is a God-given talent for women. Men stupidly shop around or chase girls, and as a result are likely to end up losing the perfect partner.

I have always hoped that in my wife’s eyes, I am a hero, like “Superman,” “Spider-Man” or “Batman.” Perhaps, that is every man’s dream. Besides, I think I deserve the title “Superman” because I call my wife “Wonder Woman” — she has raised our children well, and at the same time helped me wonderfully.

Unfortunately, however, my wife calls me “Alpa-man” instead — a word coined from “Alzheimer’s-and-Parkinson’s man.” Perhaps, she has noticed that lately I have become often forgetful and that my right hand trembles slightly when I hold chopsticks. I would prefer being called “Alpha Male” or “Alpine Man,” but I am doomed to put up with the title, “Alpa-man,” unless my once-sharp memory comes back and my once-strong hands stop trembling, that is, unless I can miraculously restore my youth, which is implausible.

When I was younger, my wife used to call me “Rain Man.” She did not call me this because I was an autistic savant who had superlative powers of calculation and a photographic memory, but because whenever I came home, I brought dark clouds and drizzling rain with me that overshadowed the bright sunshine of my family. By calling me “Rain Man,” my wife was obviously making fun of me for frequently looking grim, seldom smiling. She also called me “Iceman” because I was taciturn and reticent, if not icy cold.  

The other day, while conversing with my wife, I told her, “Today someone called me a gentleman.”

I should have stopped there and not overdone it. But I was only human and stupidly pushed my luck as usual. I continued, “You don’t know your husband is a gentleman, do you? They say the wife is always the last to know.”

Immediately, she burst into laughter and said, “On the contrary, it’s the wife who knows her husband best. You are everything but a gentleman.” Ah, her cruel words stabbed my heart mercilessly, and yet it is true she knows me best. Perhaps I tried to be a gentleman at work, but lowered my guard at home. Perhaps I have disguised myself as a gentleman outside of home and managed to fool other people somehow. But I cannot fool my omniscient wife who is my best critic. 

As I grow older, it occurs to me that perhaps “gentleman” is the most honorable title for an old man. I, too, prefer to be called “gentleman,” rather than “Superman,” “Spider-Man” or “Batman.” I do not aspire to be a hero any more.

Nor do I want to be called “Sir,” “Lord,” or “Your Excellency.” Instead, I want to be called a gentleman, that is, a caring, reliable person who can look after other people and give them a shoulder to lean on.

I also want to be a gentle, open-minded person who embraces differences in cultures, creeds and ideologies. I also want to be a gentleman who has humanity, integrity and dignity. I want to be a respectable, trustworthy man who has decency, self-esteem and professionalism, and who never offends or harasses others, whether maliciously or unintentionally.

All men will be given a title with adjectives depending on how he has lived and behaved. If you have behaved badly, you will be called a bad man, a creepy man, a mean man or an eccentric man. If you have behaved commendably, you will be called a nice man, a decent man, an admirable man and so on. Among them, a “gentleman” is surely the best title.

By Kim Seong-kon

Kim Seong-kon is a professor emeritus of English at Seoul National University and president of the Literature Translation Institute of Korea. — Ed.