This goes out to all the parents of only children.

As I have occasionally mentioned in my previous columns, I have a little boy. He is the only child I have, an 8-year-old who is a bit of a troublemaker. He loves getting into mischief with his pals, throws tantrums when things don’t go his way, and also has a penchant for not following directions. 

But overall, I have yet to see evidence that his behavior goes beyond that of a normal 8-year-old.

That’s my assessment anyway. The mothers of other children, those who have more than one child, seem to feel differently.

After seeing my son get into scrapes and fights, many have informed me it is because he is an only child. I guess they were trying to soothe me, but they seem biased in their judgement.

In Japan, one of the world’s fastest-aging countries, many people choose to have just one child or none at all. The situation is the same in China.

At the international school my son attends in Tokyo, there are plenty of only children hailing from several different cultures. But rarely have I seen the parents shower them with privileges. More often than not, it is the opposite.

Naturally, we all want our kids to grow up into well-adjusted adults who can make contributions of their own to society. I would assume this to be the universal sentiment, not only among mothers with only children, but among all parents.

Despite our best efforts, only kids face a myriad of stigmas. They don’t know how to share, they are depressed, lonely and self-centered. Some of these traits apply to my son ― some don’t.

But in any case, I must pleasantly accept the criticism and even be a little apologetic because it is my fault that I had only one child because I am a selfish woman who cares only about the material things in life.

I am actually a woman who has enough trouble as it is, going to work and raising a child, without having to face this kind of prejudice on a daily basis.

One upside is that I tend to be stricter in disciplining my son. You can ask him who he is scared of the most, and he will invariably point to me. I never let anything slide, and I try to make sure he is more polite, more conscientious and more generous.

Yet, the first sign of misbehavior prompts other parents to lament his lack of siblings.

I come from a family of three kids, and I have never felt that I am more accommodating than one of my best friends who is an only child. In fact, I see myself as quite domineering because I was the eldest who always had her way.

There is one Japanese mother here with an only child who is on the defensive all the time. She says she feels even guiltier than me because she doesn’t have a job. This is actually a part of the reason why I work. It’s the first time I have admitted this, but I don’t want people to think I am whiling away my time since I have only one child to look after.

My point is this.

We live in an era where it is quite difficult for families to get on without a double income. At the same time, the working environment for women is still pretty harsh.

If I had less trouble raising my son, I think I might have considered having another ― as I have thought thousands of times before. But when you have to grapple with the notion of quitting work every single day for the first two years of your child’s life, it’s really not easy to consider having another.

Recently I read a column by a reporter at a Korean newspaper who apologized to her staff in print for getting pregnant with her second child. Her words really resonated with me.

Why does a woman have to apologize for getting pregnant when the government is imploring families to have more babies? In a broader sense, isn’t she actually helping her compatriots?

Accept the fact that we are all going to see many more families with just one child. And don’t be so quick to condemn these kids and their parents, because not only is that uncalled for, but there is little scientific basis to do so.

I have perused many reports by child care experts saying only children actually have a lot of good traits such as high self-esteem and independence. They also have access to more material resources and enjoy closer relationships with their parents.

These are my personal views, but I believe I am being objective in my observations about how judgmental people can be toward only children. Some of the prejudice may possibly be due to jealousy, as surveys show parents are actually happier with fewer kids.

It could also be a simple lack of understanding. I sincerely hope that is the case. 

By Kim Ji-hyun

Kim Ji-hyun is The Korea Herald’s Tokyo correspondent. ― Ed.